What did Trump know…

and when did he know it?

Also, where is Garry Trudeau when you need him? The resemblance to Watergate has become far more than wishful thinking on the part of Democrats.

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No Sex For Republicans

Today, a group calling themselves No Sex For Republicans (NSFR) declared that the only way women will gain control of their reproductive rights will be to hit heterosexual Republican men (and a fair number of heterosexual Republican women) where they live. They contend that constant threats by the GOP to defund Planned Parenthood, and draconian miscarriage and abortion laws in states like Mike Pence’s Indiana, are nothing more than the Religious Right’s determination to punish women for having sex for any reason other than procreation. “If this was about killing innocent babies,” said one member, “then Republicans would be all about excellent prenatal and postnatal care, and would be actively involved with all kinds of ways to help these women raise their unwanted children.” Instead, most anti-abortion Republicans also oppose sex education and contraception – which would actually prevent the need for abortion in the first place. Thus, NSFR has decided to take the battle to the bedroom. Their platform is as follows:

Rule #1 – No heterosexual sex except for the express purpose of procreation.

Rule #2 – Rule #1 applies to all heterosexual couples, regardless of age and marital status. This means that if you or your partner are no longer able to have children, all heterosexual activity must cease.

NSFR reasons that if heterosexual Republicans aren’t getting laid, then they might just have to rethink their position on women’s reproductive rights.

Martial Law

White House insiders have confirmed that De Facto President Bannon is preparing to stage an event that will allow him to declare martial law in the US. While Kellyanne Conway’s clumsy attempt to insert the fictitious “Bowling Green Massacre” into the national conversation backfired, Sean Spicer’s false claims about terrorist attacks in Atlanta have not been as publicly and thoroughly exposed, and Trump’s base is whipping itself into just the kind of fearful frenzy that Bannon wants. Meanwhile, Bannon is paying supporters 10K a pop to don masks and disrupt scheduled peaceful protests with violence, and initiate violent demonstrations where no protests were planned. Once the country has been suitably primed in this manner, Bannon’s forces will bomb either the Statue of Liberty, the Lincoln Memorial, or the Washington Monument – or all three. At that point Bannon, speaking through Trump, will declare a National State of Emergency lasting indefinitely. When this will take place depends on the judicial challenges to the administration’s travel ban. If the ban is upheld, expect martial law in June, but if it isn’t upheld, or goes to the Supreme Court, Bannon will act sometime in March.

Bannon Takes Over

Steve Bannon has taken over the Presidency of the United States of America. Trump is officially the President on paper, but rogue aides inside the White House have confirmed that it is Bannon who is making all the decisions. This became crystal clear when Trump appointed Bannon to a permanent spot on the National Security Committee last weekend.

An avowed White Supremacist, and a notorious misogynist, Bannon says that he wants to destroy the US in the same way that Lenin destroyed Russia. To that end he will implement the following:

All persons not deemed sufficiently white will be denied entry into the United States (already partly underway).

All persons not deemed sufficiently white will ordered to leave the country. Those who are unable or unwilling to leave will be euthanized.

All remaining females who are over the age of 18 will submit themselves for inspection by Bannon’s aides. Those deemed suitably attractive will be allowed to remain in the US. The rest will be euthanized.

Welcome to the Fourth Reich.

 

Distraction

While everyone was suitably distracted by his immigration and travel bans, President Trump used the opportunity to appoint Steve Bannon to the National Security Council, while removing the Director of Intelligence and the Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff from it. Anyone who doesn’t think that appointing a White Supremacist to the NSC reeks of Fascism has never cracked open a history book. The time for, “It’ll never happen here, there are too many checks and balances,” is over. #RESIST

Inauguration Translation

Below is a translation from Trumpspeak to English:

“We, the 1% of America, are now joined in a great national effort to rebuild our country and restore its promise for all of our corporate donors. Together we will determine the course of America and the world for many, many years to come.

Today’s ceremony, however, has very special meaning. Because today, we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another. But we are transferring power from Washington, D.C., and turning it completely over to our corporate donors.

For too long, a small group in our nation’s capital has reaped the rewards of government while our corporate donors have borne the cost. Washington flourished, but our corporate donors did not share in enough of its wealth. Politicians prospered, but the jobs had to be outsourced to China and Taiwan, so that we could maximize our profits. And the factories closed, because Chinese and Taiwanese workers don’t need us to pay for health insurance.

The establishment protected itself but not the corporations of our country. Their victories have not been our donors’ victories. Their triumphs have not been our donors’ triumphs. And while they celebrated in our nation’s capital,  there was little to celebrate for struggling millionaires all across our land. That all changes starting right here and right now. Because this moment is our donors’ moment. It belongs to them.

It belongs to all our donors gathered here today and the ones watching all across America. This is their day. This is their celebration. And this, the United States of America, is their country.

What truly matters is not which party controls our government but whether our government is controlled by the right corporations. January 20th, 2017 will be remembered as the day the United States of America formally became a plutocracy.

The forgotten wealthy of our country will be forgotten no longer.

Everyone is listening to them now. They donated by the tens of millions to become part of a historic movement, the likes of which the world has never seen before.

At the center of this movement is a crucial conviction — that a nation exists to serve its corporations. Americans want great schools for their children, safe neighborhoods for their families and good jobs for themselves.

These are just and reasonable demands of wealthy individuals and a generous donors. But for too many of our donors, a different reality exists. They have to look at mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities, rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape of our nation, an education system not flush with cash, like theirs, but which leaves young and beautiful students whose parents aren’t wealthy deprived of all knowledge. And the crime, and the gangs, and the drugs that have stolen too many lives and robbed our country of so much unrealized potential. This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.

We are one nation, and their pain is our donors’ gain. Their dreams serve our donors’ dreams, and any success they manage will bring our donors even greater success. We share one heart, one home and one glorious destiny.

The oath of office I take today is an oath of allegiance to all wealthy Americans. For many decades, we’ve enriched foreign industry at the expense of American industry, subsidized the armies of other countries while allowing for the slower building of our military.

We defended other nation’s borders while refusing to defend our own. And spent trillions and trillions of dollars overseas while America’s infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay.

We’ve made other countries rich while the wealth, strength, and confidence of our country hasn’t netted our donors enough profit. One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores with not even a thought about the millions and millions of American workers that were left behind, other than the health insurance savings.

The wealth of our middle class has been ripped from their homes and then redistributed to the 1% all across the world, when it should have remained with the 1% here.

But that is the past and now we are looking only to the future.

We assembled here today are issuing a new decree to be heard in every city, in every foreign capital and in every hall of power. From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. From this day forward, it’s going to be only America first — America first.

Every decision on trade, on taxes, on immigration, on foreign affairs will be made to benefit wealthy American donors and wealthy American corporations. We must protect our borders from the ravages of other countries making our products, stealing our companies and destroying our donors’ profits. Protection will lead to great prosperity and strength. I will fight for the wealthy with every breath in my body. And I will never, ever let them down.

America will start winning again, winning like never before.

We will bring back our profits. We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth, and we will bring back our dreams. We will build new roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways all across our wonderful nation. We will get our corporations off of bailouts and back to work restructuring our country with American hands and American labor. We will follow two simple rules — buy American and hire American.

We will seek friendship and goodwill with the nations of the world.

But we do so with the understanding that it is the right of all nations to put their own interests first. We do not seek to impose our way of life on anyone but rather to let it shine as an example. We will shine for everyone to follow.

We will reinforce old alliances and form new ones. And unite the civilized world against radical Islamic terrorism, which we will eradicate completely from the face of the earth, along with most of life on this planet.

At the bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the United States of America and through our loyalty to our plutocracy, we will rediscover our loyalty to our personal safety. When you open your heart to love of wealth, there is no room for anything else.

The Bible tells us how good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity. We must speak against dissenters openly, debate our disagreements honestly but always force solidarity. When America is united, America is totally intimidating.

There should be no fear. We are protected, and we will always be protected. We will be protected by the great men and women of our military and law enforcement. And most importantly, we will be protected by God, except for whoever isn’t Christian or Jewish.

Finally, we must think big and dream even bigger. In America, we understand that a nation is only living as long as it is making money. We will no longer accept politicians who are all talk and no action, constantly complaining but never doing anything about it. The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action.

Do not allow anyone, except our corporate overlords, to tell you that it cannot be done. No challenge can match the heart and fight and spirit of wealthy Americans. We will not fail. Our country will thrive and prosper again. We stand at the birth of a new millennium, ready to unlock the mysteries of space, to free the earth from the miseries of disease and to harness the energies, industries and technologies of tomorrow, provided we find them suitably profitable. A new national pride will stir ourselves, lift our sights and heal our divisions. It’s time to remember that old wisdom our soldiers will never forget — that whether we are black or brown or white, we all bleed the same red blood of patriots, though white male blood is obviously a better shade of red.

We all enjoy the same glorious freedoms, provided we have enough money, and we all salute the same great American flag.

And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of Detroit or the windswept plains of Nebraska, they look up at the same night sky, they fill their heart with the same dreams and they are infused with the breath of life by the same Almighty Creator, unless they aren’t Christian or Jewish, in which case, they don’t count.

So to all wealthy Americans in every city near and far, small and large, from mountain to mountain, from ocean to ocean, hear these words — you will never be ignored again.

Your voice, your hopes and your dreams will define our American destiny. And your courage and goodness and love will forever guide us along the way. Together, we will make America strong again. We will make America wealthy again. We will make America proud again. We will make America safe again. And yes, together, we will make America great again. Thank you, God bless you, (unless you’re neither Christian nor Jewish) and God bless America (except for the parts that aren’t Christian or Jewish). Thank you. God bless America (except for the parts that aren’t Christian or Jewish).”

Unity By Force

Speaking on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, President-Elect Donald Trump pledged to unify the United States of America by ridding the country of all those who oppose him. The first phase of that plan is already underway in the form of the gutting of the Affordable Care Act, which will deprive 18-36 million Americans of their health insurance between 2018 and 2026. White working class Trump voters will be collateral damage, of course, but the bulk of those affected will be people of color, who are considered non-persons by Trump’s Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon. Phase two of Trump’s plan will be to create some high profile blue collar jobs to thrust in the eye of the public, while automating the rest. Workers displaced by automation will be relocated to the US border with Mexico, where they will build Trump’s wall. Once the wall is built, the remaining workers will be “taken care of” by the Trump’s mob contacts. Phase three of Trump’s plan will be to appoint a special security agency, headed up by Erik Prince and utilizing the special talents of the “hacktivist” collective known as Anonymous, to track down and eliminate anyone who says anything negative about him. At that point, the only citizens left will be white, wealthy and compliant.

Congress Declares War

Today, the GOP members of Congress officially declared war on any American who makes less than 100K per year. Given the number of guns in the country, the Trump Administration will likely need  to declare martial law within 6 weeks after the inauguration. It won’t do any good, of course, because the same people who will lose healthcare won’t have anything to lose at that point. The 1% is infinitesimal in size when compared to the 99%, and the 99% is starting to figure that out.